“You’ll need a pair of pants, some type of pj’s, an extra sweatshirt, a t-shirt, your toothbrush, and a few pair of socks. Oh, and it all needs to fit into a backpack. OK?”

That was the sentence that sent me over the edge… I mean REALLY over the edge, for the first time.

Prior to this night, I caught myself crying over everything- happy, sad, frustrated; it didn’t matter, I cried regardless. I kept asking people if a person can run out of tears, as I thought my tear ducts’ days were numbered. I also noticed that I had been trouble concentrating and my already horrible short-term memory was basically non-existent. The difficulty sleeping, I thought, led to obvious constant exhaustion and a great deal of light-headedness. I feared the dark because I knew it meant that I would soon be disappointed and frustrated; I would just lay there with a racing mind, thinking about things that did or did not happen that day, or maybe not even thinking at all. Room spins were frequent.

I thought these symptoms were possibly caused by diabetes. My aunt has Type I, and I’m a registered, licensed dietitian… so I feared that I may, too, be embarking on a complete and total life change due to illness. (This fear of diabetes has fueled my weight loss/maintenance efforts for quite some time.) I called her to talk through some of the things I was experiencing. All I could think was, “Great. All that hard work- for NOTHING.” My life was over.

To my surprise she said that it sounded more like depression than diabetes.
I laughed. “Depression? Not a chance.”

I was in a relationship with a wonderful man, I loved my job and the great city of Grand Forks, my apartment felt like home… all the pieces were in their right place for happiness. Depression only happened to sad people who’s lives happened to fall apart… right?

I began to look into signs and symptoms of depression a little more. I spoke with friends who had been treated in the past and discovered similarities. I was determined, however, not to turn to medication to “fix me.” I was stronger than that. I could beat this Beast.

And then we made plans to go camping.

My now-fiance called me to give me the “packing list.” It was nothing major, and he’s a very laid back fellow, so if my belongings happened to spill out of my backpack it would not have mattered.
But I will never forget barely hanging up the phone in time only to drop it and hit the floor myself in a pile of tears:
It was just too much for me… I would pack the bag wrong and ruin the entire trip… I was not smart enough to pack the right combination of things… I had no idea what I was doing with life… Not enough… Never enough…
I welcomed death, for I figured in that moment it’d be easier than having to fit my jeans and sweatshirt into that backpack.

[I suppose I should disclose that I can be a tad dramatic from time to time. This, however, was much different. This ached inside of me.]

I don’t know when or why I passed out, but awhile later I awoke as my fiance lifted me up and held me. I was wedged half way under my bed. I could no longer see out of my eyes, and my sleeves, neck, hair, and the floor were all soaked. Everything hurt.
I had completely fallen apart.

I could see the fear in his eyes as he asked if he could take me to the hospital. I settled for a bubble bath and bedtime.

The past few months have been an absolute roller coaster. Depression, or The Beast, has changed my life in ways I could never imagine. The tricky thing about The Beast is you cannot see it, so you might wonder if it’s all in your head.

The most important thing anyone ever told me in facing all of it, was that it was important to be honest. This is why I’m going to share my journey with you. If you are struggling, please know that you aren’t alone, and we’re going to get through this together. There’s a wealth of resources right at your fingertips and just outside your door, like Student Health Services located right by the Union on campus. There are so many helpful and friendly people there- and I say this even after they gave me shots.